I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I understand Curling. That high.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
