cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Boobs speak an international language.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
