I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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