Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
