Just cropdusted the office
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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