Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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