just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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