I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
