i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
