so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
don't judge my taste in strippers
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
