You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
