my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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