So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
