Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
