I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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