I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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