Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
