there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
