last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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