theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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