margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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