I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Randomize
