Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
