apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We are all done wearing pants today
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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