I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
