i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
