Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
