The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize