if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
