She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
