So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
