btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize