If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
