i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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