Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
