Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You can't special order awesome
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
