dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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