her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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