I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
