Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
