I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Who died my cat blue again?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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