Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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