I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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