yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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