I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
