apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
