I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
