If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
