i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
