Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
