yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
