mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
