i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just invented taco cereal.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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