Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize