My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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