either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
