i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
