The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We have started to decorate penises.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
