I puked a lego.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
