Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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