it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
