I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
