I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
